Why femdom is cool as f**k

Femdom has made my life better. I’ve always been kinky and I’ve always been interested in the power dynamic where a woman is in control, but it was not until I was in my thirties that I embraced my love of femdom.

When I was a teenager and also through my twenties, I was a typical horny young male whose sexual encounters fed his ego. I did alright. I always showed women respect, but I was also confident that I could somehow find a woman who liked me enough. Because I have a dominant personality in my everyday life, I found that many women wanted me to be dominant in bed. I would tie women up, flog them, and sometimes leave vibrators in them while I went off to have a drink. I would pick out lingerie for them. I would tell them to do sexual things to themselves in public. I would have them say things like, “I’m your little slut,” or “You own me.” All that time, I had a fascination with femdom and yearned to be with a sexually dominant woman.

Everything changed once I was reunited with an old high school flame, Lynn. She passed away in 2012 and I wrote a book as a tribute to her called The Coolest Way to Kill Yourself. We explored femdom, forced feminization, pegging, and male chastity. After she died, I dove into the kink community to find some kind of healing. I wrote all about that experience in Your Kinky Friends.

Since then, I have begun a relationship with a Domme and made many friends in the kink community who are into femdom. My point is, I found something healing in femdom. The comfort of giving up control became a powerful way to deal with the pain of loss and all the bullshit of life.

So I reached out to the kink community and asked three questions. Here are the answers.

TheLadyAscends

TheLadyAscends is a talented, beautiful, and delightfully quirky artist. Think of her as a pagan love witch. We’ve become good friends.

ladyascends

What was your first experience with Femdom?

My first experience was tying up a boy when we were kids. We were playing
some game but I remember how exciting and arousing it was. I realized he
was at my mercy.

Tell me about a mistake you made early on in exploring Femdom, or
a mistake you saw someone else make.

Early on, I used a sharpie up a guy’s ass and almost got it stuck. That was
when I realized I needed more training. So, I got involved in classes. Also, I
was punching a sub in the face. That was his thing. I broke his nose and I
felt terrible.

How has your life outside the bedroom changed since you embraced
Femdom?

I am much more self-confident about everything. I feel more comfortable
letting people know what my needs are and getting them met. It helped me
be better at communicating in general.

SissyMillie

SissyMillie is a married male crossdresser who likes to explore chastity with
his wife. He does not live the lifestyle 24/7 but he does have a love for BDSM sissy
culture, forced feminization, and other aspects of Femdom.

sissymillie

What was your first experience with Femdom?

My first experience with femdom was in the mid 90’s when we first got the Internet. I was in my early teens and I remember going on a porn site with a ton of different categories. I remember clicking on BDSM and one of the pictures, to load in a painstakingly slow manner, was of a woman dressed in leather holding a bull whip. From that point on, I tried getting my hands on whatever BDSM content I could.

Tell me about a mistake you made early on in exploring Femdom, or a mistake you saw someone else make.

As far as mistakes, I hate to say I never actually practiced any femdom until after I got married. Before then, I kept my fetishes tightly closeted. After many discussions with my wife, we decided to try and give a FLR (female led relationship) a try. It had its good moments but over time, it fell apart. My wife isn’t naturally kinky and it became a daunting task for her to maintain dominance over me. We love each other very much and decided to take a break from our FLR.

How has your life outside the bedroom changed since you embraced Femdom?

Since we do love each other and I have professed my need for dominance, she has agreed for me to have play partners outside of the bedroom as long as I respect our marriage vows and no sexual intimacy happens with play partners. I have been able to explore the local BDSM scene and have met so many cool people who don’t seem to judge. For many years, I lived in shame and it has been so liberating being able to explore my sexuality openly.

Lady Jessamine

Lady Jessamine is a Domme who is in a “bedroom only” D/s relationship with her husband. They used to explore polyamory, but put that on hold for a while due to health issues. She is an aspiring writer with a positive creative energy.

jessamine

What was your first experience with Femdom?

My first femdom experience was with a man I met on Fetlife. I went to his apartment dressed in my Victorian garb. (I consider myself as a Disciplinarian instead of a dominant.) I went into his apartment and immediately, he knelt at my feet. I told him to crawl to me, then I put a chastity device on him. (I fumbled with this.) Next, I put him in a position where he was butt up, face down. I then pulled out my cane and had him say, “Yes my lady, please hit me with the cane.” I began to warm up his butt with little taps and then, used a whip. We said good-bye and that was that.  

Tell me about a mistake you made early on in exploring Femdom or a mistake someone else made.

I made a mistake of not trusting my gut when trying to get my fix of domination. There was no one I knew so I posted on Fetlife and Collarme.  Everyone was sending me messages about how they could serve me. Then, I came across a profile that had pictures of people who were beautiful and dramatic. They considered themselves to be a kink circus.  

So, they offered to bring me up to Michigan so I could be their new dominant female and add more things to my repertoire. I said, “Yes” although my gut said, “Don’t do it.”  I arrived in Michigan in this little podunk airport and there were two women waiting for me. One was disabled and they both were very obese. (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind someone being obese, but they weren’t the people depicted in the profile.)

Our destination was a single wide trailer that looked like it should be in a landfill. When I went in, it was worse. I began to fear for my life. They lived in filth.

I contacted my friends to get me out of there and they came through for me.  They got me a train ticket home.

How has your life outside the bedroom changed since you embraced Femdom?

My life has changed for the better. I have embraced who I am by being more conscious about how I carry myself and what I say. I am stronger and feel more powerful with dealing with situations and everyday life itself. I have had some heavy crosses to bear, but I was able to get through them with the poise that was required to handle the situation.

FireLakeAzura

FireLakeAzura is a married Domme whose husband is not into the same kinks, but they live with a slave named Lesson. (You can find her husband’s toys on the Fetlife profile Pad4Butt.

pad4butt

What was your first experience with Femdom?

My first experience with FemDom began online. I was role playing a book character named Azura. She was supposed to be the most dangerous of all beings, old and powerful. I started getting messages from all over the world, asking to be my character’s slave. Initially, I thought these people were nuts. Then, I found a book by Tammy Jo Eckhart that just clicked – like sinking into a warm bath. I found the lifestyle I didn’t know I was looking for. My secret desires didn’t mean I was an evil monster, after all. Once I found people who enjoyed being on the receiving end of my “attentions,” everything fell into place for me. I started with an online slave who followed my every order.

Tell me about a mistake you made early on in exploring Femdom, or a mistake you saw someone else make.

I guess the mistake I’d made was in thinking my hubby understood things as I did after my explanations. It’s been hard sometimes because I’m a stereotypical Aries who throws herself into things that feel right for me. He’s not interested in it in the same ways; however, he does understand the sorts of things that make me hot and designs toys that help me light my fire.

How has your life outside the bedroom changed since you embraced Femdom?

I’ve become much more confident in myself. I’ve come to understand why some people act the way they do. Some people flourish with a little extra guidance while others prefer to go their own way once they know how. Some switch back and forth between the “extremes.”

Madam Grace Marie (aka The Goddess of LA)

Madam Grace Marie is a professional dominatrix and performance artist.

firelakeazura

What was your first experience with Femdom?

I improvised my first clothed female/naked male, or CFNM, scene at the age of five. My neighbor, Luke (also five years old), asked me to play a little game known as “I’ll Show You Mine, You Show Me Yours.” Luke unzipped his tiny Levi’s to reveal his genitals to me. I stared at his penis and scrotum for a few silent seconds, then he said, “Okay, now it’s your turn.” I simply said, “No.” I just walked out, leaving Luke alone in his parents’ shed.

The day after I left him hanging, I was riding my bicycle near Luke’s house and he came out with a clothespin and a playing card – a Queen. He wanted to put it in the spokes of my wheel. I knew then that Luke wasn’t mad at me, and our friendship moving forward wasn’t awkward. It was just our unique relationship.

Tell me about a mistake you made early on in exploring Femdom, or a mistake you saw someone else make.

I cuckolded my first long-term boyfriend when I was sixteen years old. It was not consensual and he was really upset. I had the opportunity and desire to witness two bisexual young men together and to be with them as well. I didn’t want to lose him, so I had a threesome behind his back.

I felt ashamed and I cried about it, but then someone said to me, “The only thing wrong with what you did was his angry response.” At the time I was on the receiving end of some pretty intense slut-shaming as a result of my infidelity, so I really needed to hear those words.

I know now that I could have been more honest and communicative and I’m very satisfied with the open and honest communications I engage in as a polyamorous adult.

How has your life outside the bedroom changed since you embraced Femdom?

I have discovered ever more surprising ways of being in relationships and interacting with other humans. I know now that I’m perfect and whole exactly as I am, and that I don’t have to change to fit the standard model of what a “lady” is supposed to be like. I can just be me.

http://meetgracemarie.com

Miss Melissa

Miss Melissa is my Domme and my editor. After her miserable marriage ended, she found me on Fetlife. I was mourning the loss of Lynn. Her contributions have been essential to my books. In the five years that we have explored Femdom together, her creative energy and general attitude towards life has changed in a positive way.

missmelissa

What was your first experience with Femdom?

I was not even familiar with the term “Femdom.” After I left my husband, I allowed myself to explore a fetish I had repressed for over a decade. An online friendship developed between myself and another erotica writer from Literotica, because we were both turned on by MMF threesomes involving bi males. We constantly sent each other porn, and had phone sex at least a few times a week. As time passed, I found myself taking a dominant role in our fantasies. He confessed that I brought out a submissive side of him, which was not his typical role. Months later, I developed an interest in pegging, and then started enjoying the idea of putting my panties on a man. Things continued to evolve from there.

Tell me about a mistake you made early on in exploring Femdom, or a mistake you saw someone else make.

When I think about “Femdom mistakes,” one incident sticks out in my mind. I bought a new bottle of lube one day before a friend came over to play. During a blowjob, I paused to lube my finger and told him to relax. Suddenly he asked me to stop and said his asshole felt like it was burning – he was having some kind of reaction to the frigging lube! I felt terrible. I guess the moral of the story is to ask about sensitivities to propylene glycol.

How has your life outside the bedroom changed since you embraced Femdom?

Embracing my sexuality, in which Femdom plays a huge role, changed me. For the first time in my life, I was not afraid to be alone and find myself again. Honesty is at the core of any relationship that involves the fetish lifestyle. When you can share your kinkiest secrets, there is nothing left to hide. Femdom helped me to finally love myself, and to find love.

 

Then, there are my answers.

 

Nicholas Tanek

nicholastanek

What was your first experience with Femdom

I was thirteen years old and I met this post-punk rock girl named Kim, who was sixteen. One time, we were watching Sid & Nancy and there was a scene with a dominatrix. Kim saw the way I reacted. Then, she took her dad’s bondage rope and tied me to her bed. She did not do anything directly sexual. She just enjoyed having total control. Looking back, that night she tied me up changed my life forever.

Tell me about a mistake you made early on in exploring Femdom, or a mistake you saw someone else make.

Getting back into the community after Lynn died, I made the typical newbie mistake of focusing on what I wanted. I also made the mistake of copying and pasting introduction messages to Dommes. Many males want instant Femdom, like it’s a f*cking can you can just crack open out of a vending machine. Anyone who is reaching out to others in the scene needs to slow down and find a personal connection first. Don’t go right to the sexual aspect.

How has your life outside the bedroom changed since you embraced Femdom?

Before I was reunited with Lynn, I was in a loveless marriage that was pretty much void of kink. I could not sexually express myself. When Lynn and I got back together and explored Femdom, I felt like a new person with a new outlook on life. I felt free, even though sometimes my cock was locked up in a chastity device. It was that comfort and sense of healing that changed aspects of my everyday life. I became more self-aware. I became more open-minded. In many ways, I became kinder to others. Generally speaking, I became a happier person and felt like I could actually contribute to society. Plus, it inspired me to write again. Basically, femdom made me feel like a more loving and caring man. I am thankful for that.

So what have we learned from all of this?

Forget the stereotypes of the people who are into Femdom. Not all of the men are sad. Not all of the men are powerful and need to feel a loss of control. Not all of the women have past traumas that need to be worked out by controlling a male. Not all the women in Femdom are dealing with self-esteem issues. Sure, some of us are this way, but for the most part, we are everyday people getting through life. We are not afraid to sexually express ourselves. We just do it in our own kinky way.