My dear Kinky Friend, Moonflower, recommend that I read Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel. I recently finished it, and the book was as a great reminder that intimacy does not necessarily equate to a fantastic sex life. Sex in a long term relationship is not a given, and the author details how love and desire can impact bedroom excitement. Desire is that thrumming in your giggle-bits when you are sitting in traffic and your lover comes to mind. Desire burns hot at the beginning of a relationship and draws people together. Love is a little different. It’s a constant comfort and easily taken for granted. It’s the sure thing that will not waver through stomach bugs and mortgages. Love is grand, but it can dull desire with the monotony of comfort and security. Perel explores finding balance between love and desire through case studies and thought provoking insight. The book great for those of us who need to keep passion flowing in a long term relationship.
I’ve been with the same man for over two decades and there were times that only love kept us together. I really didn’t like him during some points in our marriage. We realized several years ago that part of what we needed to be happy was the rekindling of desire. The book resonated with me because I saw ideas in it that had changed our marriage for the better. This reflection helped to define our D/s relationship and bring back the spark that initially bound us together. I was inspired by Mating in Captivity and wanted to offer my own tips for keeping a long term relationship steamy.
- Close the damn bathroom door. There comes a point in any relationship where the intimacy deepens and you start doing yucky stuff in front of each other without thought. A little modesty helps keep up the illusion of mystery and being a little mysterious can deepen desire. Poo privately…unless your kink is watching/participating/flinging it. Then, please continue.
- Our marriage would never survive if considered my husband my best friend. I tend to pause when I hear someone say that about their spouse. I never want to fuck my best friends (often). I enjoy my friends and we get weird and kicked out of bookstores, but there is little sexual energy in friendship. I want to fuck my husband constantly. Seriously. That man floats my boat and largely it’s because I think of him as a sexual being and not my buddy.
- Touch each other. His hands are often on my body. He holds my hand to cross the street. He has a game where he sees if he can catch me off guard and tweak my boob. I never see it coming and find it hilarious. I try to sneak up behind him to lick his neck. It’s weird, but it makes him shiver. Touch keeps the zing of connection alive. Except…
- Have “no touch” days. Put a rule in place that allows you take a break from sex on purpose. This helps prevent those days when you feel like rejecting your partner and makes it easier to say “Brace yourself, Betty” on other nights. Our day is Tuesdays. I get time to myself to write/draw/paint my toenails and he gets to watch TV. We don’t cuddle. I’m not allowed kisses. I am allowed spankings if I really need some contact, but the knowledge that I may not touch makes me want him more. I tend to flirt with him more trying to get him to break the rule. Some couples play with this idea using chastity devices. They find it seriously hot. Humans usually want what we may not have.
- Say yes to the weird. Experimentation and exploring fantasy can build desire. Text or email each other random thoughts of scenes or curiosities. Communicating using technology is often easier than just on-the-spot talking.
- Watch porn together. It’s naughty fun and it helps generate conversations about sex. We send each other porn via text a few times each week. It usually features something we want to try or something that would push limits. If you are really are craving excitement check out https://www.chatterbate.io/. This site allows you to watch or perform sexual acts for other people. You can communicate with your audience and perfect your camming skills.
- We carve out at least one day a month to go out on a date. Sometimes we just have sex under a local bridge or attend a munch. Sometimes I get all dolled up and leave my panties at home for some frisky restaurant frolicking. Sometimes we go to the pet store and pet all the kittens. We alternate who is in charge of planning the date for the month and talk of it often. The planning and effort really help fuel desire.
- Have sex. Lots of sex. Quick sex. Epic sex. Dirty sex. Vanilla sex. Butt sex. Oral sex. Boob sex. Doggy sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Yay! There’s so much sex to be had. Work hard to say yes and be willing to engage even if it takes a little effort to get into the right head-space.
- Order new sex toys and surprise each other. We try to order new things often. I like to find unusual toys that he can use to whip my butt. Rubber chickens sting! Yardsticks snap with a satisfying crack! You can play butt drums! The hunt for novelty definitely keeps my panties wet.
Love is wonderful. Desire is incredible. If you are lucky enough to find someone who wants to share space with you on a daily basis, celebrate it. Work together to find what helps keep your relationship spicy and check out Mating in Captivity if you want more guidance.