My Kinky Friends Discuss Some Dangers of Kink & How to Stay Safe
By Nicholas Tanek
Being kinky is fun, but it can sometimes be dangerous. I look at the kink community and the lifestyle in a very positive light. Personally, I tend to focus on the fun and friendship aspect. At the same time, there are social, physical, and mental aspects that can damage a person. If someone is not careful, they can meet the wrong person. There are certain kinks, like breath play, knife play, or fire play, where someone can get hurt if not done correctly.
So, I asked some of my kinky friends about the dangers of kink and how to stay safe. Here are their answers.
MushMush
MushMush is a wonderful young woman who likes to explore her kinky sexuality. One thing led to another and impact play became part of her repertoire. She likes giving and receiving pain.
What was the most dangerous thing you ever experienced or witnessed in a sexual situation or in meeting someone with the intent of exploring kink together?
I met a guy at a play party and we had chemistry. We talked for a week and decided to meet up. I did tell someone his address, but I went to his apartment alone with him. We hadn’t discussed limits, safe words, or anything like that. I was so anxious to get my kinky fix that I neglected to consider all of those crucial safety issues. We were casually drinking and smoking weed. Then, he started putting the moves on. I played along but started having some doubts. I was too shy to admit it, so I just went with it. At one point, he had me gagged and hog-tied. I realized he could do literally anything he wanted and I would not have a fighting chance of stopping him. I eventually did signal him to stop and we did other things. But, I really learned how important those safety concerns are and how badly they need to be communicated.
What advice about keeping yourself safe would you give to someone who is looking to meet others in the kink (or dating) community?
Be friendly and open, but be cautious. Try to meet people at munches or parties before doing anything more private. Make sure someone knows where you are, who you’re with, and what to do if you don’t answer texts or phone calls. Have them check in on you. It can seem silly, but it will give you peace of mind. If something does go wrong, you’ll be thankful you had those safeguards in place. Better safe than sorry.
Ami Mercury
Ami Mercury is a model, writer, and creator of the upcoming novel and art project, Orc Girl. She considers herself a nerdy goth girl who is very kinky. As a professional fetish model and cam girl, she has done various kinky videos that include dressing up as a clown, wearing diapers, and being a strict Mommy.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AmiMercury
Tumblr: http://theamimercury.tumblr.com/
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/OrcGirl
MyFetishLive: http://myfetishlive.com/AmiMercury
What was the most dangerous thing you ever experienced or witnessed in a sexual situation or in meeting someone with the intent of exploring kink together?
Probably the most dangerous situation I’ve been in, with regards to meeting someone in the kink scene, would have to be how I became in service to my current Master. Basically, I did the thing that you are not supposed to do. I moved in with my Master, and became his slave, after only having met him twice. Our situation, however, was somewhat unique. My Master has a well-established and reputable name in the community. He is a vendor and an international presenter. I was in a transitional period of my life. I was unhappy with my job. My roommates were about to move out, so I needed a new place to live. He suggested I move in with him, be in service to him, travel to events with him, and help him run his business. We arranged a two-week trial period where I traveled from my home in Kentucky up to his in New Jersey. Several months later, I moved in with him. I don’t necessarily recommend what I did to anyone. I basically uprooted my whole life, but there were specific circumstances which made this decision more reasonable. I was about 29 years old at the time. I was not beholden to any specific place, and aware of the risks I was taking, as was my Master. Our situations just happened to synchronize. Three years later, we have a very fulfilling relationship, not just as Master and slave, but as a boyfriend and girlfriend too. Despite whatever difficulties and dangers we’ve faced, we have had a very positive journey together.
What advice about keeping yourself safe would you give to someone who is looking to meet others in the kink (or dating) community?
Make friends in the kink scene before you make lovers in the kink scene. Having a steady support group, and people you can talk to, will go far in choosing the right person to play with and/or be involved with. As vast as the kink community is, word travels fast. This is why munches and events are so important. It gives us an opportunity to learn about other people in the community, and their reputation. Take people’s advice, but make your own judgments. I’ve found that playing with someone who has no reputation in the community can sometimes be more risky than someone who has a bad reputation. That being said, just because they have no reputation doesn’t mean they are a bad player or inexperienced. Also, there is nothing wrong with bringing a chaperone. This is something I do in my professional life, as a model. If I’m working with a producer I don’t know, I’ll bring either my Master or a trusted friend to the shoot, just as I would if I’m playing with someone I’m unfamiliar with. If the producer or person I’m playing with refuses to let me bring a chaperone, that’s a pretty clear indicator that they didn’t have the best intentions at heart.
Young Scratch
YoungScratch is a switch who loves power exchange. Actually, he likes all types of BDSM. These days, he has become much more open to expressing himself in kink.
What was the most dangerous thing you ever experienced or witnessed in a sexual situation or in meeting someone with the intent of exploring kink together?
I almost lost my dick. I was young and new to sex. My girlfriend and I decided we wanted to fuck, but my dick was not cooperating. However, I was not someone to be dissuaded by the blatant betrayal of my own body. I knew that cock rings aided in hardness, but I had no cock ring. My genius idea was to take a fairly large rubber band and wrap it around my dick many times. This seemed to work. She jumped on top of me and went to town. I very quickly realized something was wrong and kicked her off. A few distressing things became immediately apparent. First, it was the very dark purple color that I associate with cell death. In addition, it was the diameter of my member. I’m fairly stout usually, but the band had caused a swelling that exceeded two inches. With the exception of where the band itself was, that looked to be about a centimeter. I tried to pull the band off but it had settled into its groove and I had no nails to speak of. We worked to get it off, for what felt like a long time. We considered calling 911. We were at my girlfriend’s mother’s home and the last thing I wanted was for her to know any part of this story. Finally, my girlfriend ran off and got some very sharp scissors. I decided to risk a nick on my dick before going to a hospital. Luckily, it came off. After a couple of days, everything felt fine.
What advice about keeping yourself safe would you give to someone who is looking to meet others in the kink (or dating) community?
Have a friend who is kink aware. Before doing things, ask, “Is this dangerous and/or stupid?” Hopefully, your friend will be honest with you and tell you when it’s stupid. When it comes to kink, desire will cloud your judgment. So, ask someone who has no stake in it and listen to them. I’ve done so many things that were very stupid. When I thought about them outside the situation, I wish I had asked so someone could have told me, “There will be other times to have sex. Don’t put that around your dick, you idiot.”
PrincessRedBottm
PrincessRedBottm discovered her sexual interest in kink after her divorce. She discovered an interest in sensation and impact play and enjoys attending dungeons to show off her exhibitionist tendencies.
What was the most dangerous thing you ever experienced or witnessed in a sexual situation or in meeting someone with the intent of exploring kink together?
I met with a man weekly and we would explore kink and have rough sex. I would typically have a drink to relax myself before we began, a bit of liquid courage. The last time we met, it ended up being at a seedy hotel and I had been previously drinking with friends at a munch. It was not enough that I couldn’t drive, but one more than usual. He knew I had been drinking and took advantage of it. He violated so many limits that night. Oh, I can’t even count them.
What advice about keeping yourself safe would you give to someone who is looking to meet others in the kink (or dating) community?
I now know to have a safe call, not to involve alcohol, and to vet my partner. Most importantly, I know to follow my instincts and walk away if I’m uncomfortable with anything. Dominant types will keep trying to persuade me, or at the very least, will ask what I didn’t like. It’s similar to feedback after a scene but no scene was performed. You do not owe anyone an explanation if you are uncomfortable or feel there are red flags.
Now for my answers…
Nicholas Tanek
What was the most dangerous thing you ever experienced or witnessed in a sexual situation or in meeting someone with the intent of exploring kink together?
My friend Randee wanted me to help fulfill her rape fantasy. It was consensual. Actually, she begged me to do it. She was asking for it. She literally asked me over and over again. So, I basically pretended to break into her bedroom, put her in handcuffs and put my belt around her neck. I fucked her from behind while I pulled the belt, choking her. The dangerous aspect was that I could have physically hurt her. We never agreed to a safe word. We were so irresponsible. I wrote about it in my book, Your Kinky Friends.
What advice about keeping yourself safe would you give to someone who is looking to meet others in the kink (or dating) community?
Educate yourself and surround yourself with intelligent, caring, kinky people. Get references. Study up on kink. Go to a munch. (http://findamunch.com). There are classes, seminars, and lectures out there for edge play. Some of them don’t even cost money. They are worth your time. Listen to podcasts like Consensually Speaking With Gio, Off The Cuffs: A BDSM & Kink Podcast, ProudToBeKinky Podcast, and Black People Kink. They are not only educational, but they are very entertaining. Be open-minded and smart. Ask for advice! Even though you will meet assholes and douchebags, there are also many kind, genuine people in the kink community. If your heart is in the right place, people will recognize that.
So what have we learned from all this?
Be careful! Make sure you stay mindful of your own safety and the safety of others when doing anything kinky. If you are going to get involved with kink, there is a good chance that you will be exposed to some dark or dangerous fetishes. Stay open-minded, but stay legal. I know people who have fetishes about cannibalism, murder, or hardcore torture. Even if your kink is dangerous or dark, there are safe ways you can explore these fetishes as role play. I went to TES Fest. In front of a group of people, my Domme zapped me with the electric violet wand on my cock that was locked in a metal chastity device. This was during a class taught by Dr. Clockwork (Ami Mercury’s Master, who makes violet wands). That was exciting and scary, but it was in a controlled area. What I am trying to say is that there is a whole community out there who can help you experience dangerous and weird role play, but in a safe and consensual way. Like our friend YoungScratch said, “When it comes to kink, desire will cloud your judgment.” Not everyone is as lucky as Ami Mercury; not all reckless decisions end well. Before doing some possibly dangerous kinky thing, ask for advice from your kinky friends. If you don’t have kinky friends, get some. So, dear reader, it’s beautiful to explore your kinks and sexually express yourself, but please make a conscious effort to be safe.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nicholas.tanek
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NicholasTanek
Join the YOUR KINKY FRIENDS chat group on Discord: https://discord.gg/uUwzVVa