Humans are social creatures who need others to thrive. Gadgets and technology have created a world where we can be constantly connected and find like-minded people with a tap of our fingertips. However, navigating the online social world can be daunting. There are chat rooms, dating apps, and social media sites that scream for your attention, but joining some of these groups can be like trying to sit at a new cafeteria table in middle school. It can be scary and disorienting. Established groups are hesitant to welcome new members because they don’t know their intention. There is also a bit of danger when communicating with strangers. People may be misrepresenting themselves and could really be a nest of hamsters living in a sweatshirt or worse. Meeting people online can offer cozy companionship, but you could also encounter predators trying to mine information, exploit others or want to cause harm.
Some of my dearest friendships began as blips on my computer screen. We have never breathed the same air, but our relationship is as rewarding as those I have with people in my three-dimensional life. My strongest internet friendships are those that developed around kink and the BDSM lifestyle. I think is tricky to meet someone in everyday life who shares the love of kink. It’s not something that comes up in normal conversation and once mentioned it can drastically alter a real-life relationship.
I pulled together a few tips on how to create friendships online to help others navigate past some of the tricky pitfalls in the world of digital friendship.
- Don’t be a weasel creep. Avoid asking people you find cute and lickable to immediately talk in private with you or ask them to sext. I have been in many groups and have seen new folks glom onto a target and immediately want to PM (private message). This often breaks the rules of most chat-based groups, and this is the number one reason that people are kicked out. Sexting is awesome, but just like meeting someone at a bar that you would like to see naked, it takes time and a little trust-building before orgasms happen. Manners matter even in virtual reality.
- Develop a basic knowledge of what you want from an online relationship and then work to find it. Discovering a group that is tailored to your interests and has people who complement your personality may take some searching. I like to look for kink and BDSM groups on Facebook. I look for groups that aren’t merely hookup places, but where people actually share good information. I have explored Fetlife, Google Hangouts, Kik, Phrendly, and Discord and have found people I enjoy. Not every experience has been a good fit for me, and it’s ok to leave a group if you aren’t happy.
- My beautiful online friend, SassyWitch, suggests that new group members should read through the posts and comments. Get a feel for the group and what it’s like. Ask one of the admins if they’re ok with you messaging them and ask questions. It’s ok not to know the answers.
- Get over your shyness. You have to talk in a group and put extra effort into your comments so that people can get to know you. You will not get noticed if you just lurk in the corner, bite your nails, and masturbate. I’m not saying that you have to be extra bold, but make frequent, thoughtful comments and try to follow conversations.
- Listen to podcasts. There are people that dedicate time and money to talk kink on a daily or weekly basis. These podcasts have comment sections, use Twitter, and some have their own chat rooms. Become a fan! Consensually Speaking with Gio is a fabulous podcast. Gio is great to follow on Twitter and listeners can join the discussion there and in the process, meet other people. Having a common knowledge base helps to create connections and friendships.
- Look for friends in places where you already hang out. I have made amazing friendships with people playing Ruzzle and Words with Friends. Use the chat options. Ask them about their day. Complement good games and you may find yourself trading nudie pics and having virtual sex between turns.
- Be patient. If you are a submissive slave looking for a Femdom relationship and you want a Domme to step on your face and call you “pudding pants,” it may take take some time to find your optimal partner. You may have to make friends first before your ultimate fantasy takes place. Don’t immediately join a chat demanding specific types of women or men. Let your personality shine through your interactions and you may just find exactly who you need.
- Be wary. There are people online who want money or who will take your photographs and sell them for their own gain. There are people who misrepresent themselves and want to hurt other people (not in a good way). If you are in personal conversations with someone, it’s ok to ask them to send you a video to prove that they are a “real” person and not just someone posting another person’s photos. Never give out personal information such as phone numbers or addresses until you have an established relationship. It’s still a gamble. I had a “friend” track me by a photo slip-up that gave away personal information. He sent me a Google map of my house and mailed me inappropriate messages that threatened my family. I put my safety in jeopardy for a few laughs on the computer. If your gut tells you something is too good to be true, or you feel threatened, delete, block, and run.
- Consider an alter ego. Some of you may be shy or you may have a line of work where you can’t have openly kinky relationships. It’s ok to develop an alternate name for yourself. Be truthful if you do develop a lasting friendship with someone and you feel safe, but it’s ok to hide a little bit in the virtual world. Go for it if you want to be Princess Dynamic Kittenfluff or Bork DeJourno. Just pick one and stick with it. If you change like a chameleon, you will not develop trust among others. This will also help protect you from some predators online
10. This one should be a no-brainer, but my inbox tells a different story: DON’T SEND RANDOM GENITALIA PICTURES TO PEOPLE. It rarely turns out well. Cultivate the art of the online sex romp. Sexting and voyeuristic masturbation can be incredible if the participants can hold a decent conversation. Introduce yourself first and develop a relationship. Learn how to woo beyond just sending pictures of your naughty bits to people. Read smut. Learn the good dirty words and above all play nice.
I met my online friend, Nicholas Tanek after I sent him a picture of me reading his book, “Your Kinky Friends.” He created a YKF Discord chat group, and I became a member. This group discusses everything from Pop culture, dressing as pandas, to the kinkiest aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. Chatting with the people there has become part of my daily habits, and my friends there always make me smile. There is so much fighting and bitterness on the internet, but the online world could be a tool used to bring joy. It would be wonderful if everyone found online friends that make their life better, but it does take time and patience. Don’t give up if you run into a string of false starts. Be brave! It’s a great day to make a new kinky friend!
Tangled Blue is a writer, teacher, and BDSM kitten from Kentucky.
YKF YouTube: https://yourkinkyfriends.com/youtube-ykf-nicholas-tanek/