By Nicholas Tanek
I was once in a miserable marriage with a woman named Alison. The kinkiest thing we did was me tying her up while she wore lingerie and I used a vibrator on her. There was this one time I put a dog leash on her and fucked her from behind while she yelled, “I’m your slut! Yes! Fuck your little slut!” That was fun, but I also had femdom fantasies that I wanted to explore. When I was married, I never expected my ex-wife to understand my interest in forced crossdressing, male chastity, pegging, and femdom.
These days, I am a part of the kink community and live a kinky lifestyle. I’m proud of that. While I can be a switch, the femdom dynamic is strong. I spent many years trapped in a relationship that was unsatisfying and uncomfortable. I refuse to live that way, and I know that I am not alone. So, I asked some of my kinky friends to share some of their experiences of doing kinky things behind their vanilla partner’s back. I asked three questions in the hope that you, dear reader, may not feel so alone if you are in the same situation.
MarieStar
MarieStar is a sub in a DD/lg (Daddy Dom / little girl) relationship with Gio, host of the Consensually Speaking with Gio Podcast. She was once married to a minister. She was always a kinky person but she found the kink community after her separation from her ex-husband.
Consensually Speaking with Gio podcast: http://consensuallyspeaking.podbean.com/
What kinky things would you do behind your vanilla partner’s back?
Well, in the beginning, when we were dating before we got married, we would be spontaneous and do a lot of crazy things together. After a while, he started feeling uncomfortable about it. I was still very much into kink. I got porn and bought toys from Lovers Lane. I got a really cheap flogger and learned how to tie rope. I would tie my legs apart and watch kinky porn. When I came, I couldn’t close my legs which made my orgasm last longer. I liked porn that had the guys tying the women up and having a threesome forcefully.
What happened when (or what did you think would happen if) your vanilla partner found out?
I never let him watch me masturbate. If he had, he probably would have freaked out. I didn’t want to deal with it or explain what I did to myself. When we were going through the divorce, he went through my phone and my stuff. He thought it was sexy at the time until he talked to our religious marriage counselor. They actually thought there needed to be an exorcism because I had demons. So, it wasn’t pretty when I came out as kinky.
What is your relationship like now and what would you have done differently?
We have a child together so we see each other quite a bit. When it comes to us now, he doesn’t want to know about my relationship with my Daddy Dom. He doesn’t ask any questions about it. I try to keep it quiet but other than that, we have a really good relationship now. He’s married and he’s happy, so there aren’t really problems now.
YoungScratch
YoungScratch is a male switch who enjoys just about everything BDSM has to offer from power exchange to incest role-play, but his greatest joy is suffering. He enjoys experiencing suffering almost as much as he enjoys dishing it out. His vanilla partner of seven years had some vague knowledge that he was kinky and he liked to tie people up. She was having none of it. The mention of a butt plug made her look at him like he was the prince of darkness.
What kinky things would you do behind your vanilla partner’s back?
Aside from my “unsavory” selection of porn, I would tie myself up and self-flagellate. I would also tease and deny myself. It is surprising how many different tools for that are there online. I did things with her socks that were probably very immoral to do without her permission. I also did a little self-asphyxiation, only a couple times because of the danger.
What happened when (or what did you think would happen if) your vanilla partner found out?
While she never discovered the depths of my depravity, there was a moment a couple years in when she saw the sissy and cross-dressing femdom porn I had been browsing. She told me that she was not attracted to any man who partook in any of those activities. I reassured her, which means I lied to her. I told her that I didn’t want to do those things in real life. I was much more careful to hide that side of myself after that.
What is your relationship like now and what would you have done differently?
That relationship ended recently, for mainly non-kink-related reasons. We’re still friendly. If I knew then what I know now, I doubt the relationship would have gotten very far. I should have laid out fairly early (but not too early) the exact kind of person I am, kink included. I compromised on who I was in order to protect the relationship. I certainly will not do that again. While the rest of what I said does paint that relationship in a bad light, I must say that it is a small part of a relationship that I was happy in. I don’t, at all, regret the time I spent with my very vanilla partner.
Mushmush
Mushmush knew she was kinky since she was a young teen and started exploring her sexuality. She had partners who were rough and into choking, scratching, and biting. One thing led to another and impact play became part of her repertoire. She liked giving and receiving pain. Then, she found out she liked the power exchange, especially as a switch who does not easily give up control. She kept adding new fetishes to her list as she continued to explore.
What kinky things would you do behind your vanilla partner’s back?
As a bottom, I do a lot of impact and sensation play. I do some DD/lg role playing. As a top, I enjoy teasing, orgasm denial, and having my bottoms please me while they are denied pleasure themselves.
What happened when (or what did you think would happen if) your vanilla partner found out?
He knew a bit but didn’t understand, so I didn’t tell him much. One day, over chicken wings and sangria, I explained that I wanted to have a play partner for more than vanilla sex acts. He was mostly fine with it, but set intercourse as his hard limit.
What is your relationship like now and what would you have done differently?
I think our relationship is better off because of it. We’re forced to communicate more about everything, not just kink. It has forced me to become more comfortable with identifying and expressing my needs. It has shown him that my kinky interests are not just a phase – I want them in my life long-term.
Anxious Belle
Anxious Belle discovered she was a sub when she was 21. Around 23, she realized she was a little. Now at 26, she is in her first vanilla relationship. It was also her first healthy relationship, albeit lacking the kink she desired.
What kinky things would you do behind your vanilla partner’s back?
My boyfriend associates rough sex and being dominant with being abusive. Early on, I struggled with getting him to push his boundaries when it came to him being assertive and hands-on. I started questioning whether he was the right man for me.
I turned my attention elsewhere, using social media to project my desires. I used Tumblr, Twitter, FetLife and even dating sites like POF. It wasn’t that I necessarily did anything, but it was the fact that I wanted to. The pictures, the flirtatious texts, the poems… it was all for the sexual attention I felt I was being deprived of. I even considered camming for a while. I thought about cheating, too.
What happened when (or what did you think would happen if) your vanilla partner found out?
He did find out. I guess he had a feeling something was up. I was distant and less chatty. So, he went through my phone. I broke his trust by talking to another man and he broke mine by going through my personal property without permission. It was an ugly situation.
What is your relationship like now and what would you have done differently?
We’re still together and we have love for one another, but I won’t pretend it’s been easy. We’ve pushed one another to communicate instead of turning to other outlets. I’ve had to be more assertive when it comes to explaining what I want and need sexually. It’s not something I’m used to since I’m used to the other person just doing it or telling me what to do.
If I could go back and change things, I would. I should have stayed true to myself and trusted my intuition. Having great sex with someone is cool and all but it’s just that… sex. Personally, I want more.
Alli
Alli is a submissive crossdresser who has a history of being in relationships with dominant women.
What kinky things would you do behind your vanilla partner’s back?
I would dress up at home when she wasn’t around and masturbate. I would also call phone chat lines.
What happened when (or what did you think would happen if) your vanilla partner found out?
The truth is, she knew from the very beginning. I told her my history, but I told her that I was out of the scene a few years prior to meeting her. She wasn’t interested in anything kinky and we were trying to build a vanilla relationship. I kept returning to my kinky behaviors. We got married but it was difficult keeping up the “straight” façade. She eventually started seeing someone else. I connected with and befriended a Domme (online and in person), who pushed me to be more open about my femme nature and to engage my wife more openly about things. But in general, we were both hiding things from each other. Eventually, with some encouragement from my friend, all the truths came out and we gravitated towards a “don’t ask/don’t tell” mentality.
What is your relationship like now and what would you have done differently?
We’re currently in what I call a “begrudgingly non-monogamous” relationship. This means we still love each other and wish we could connect with each other sexually in a mutually satisfying way but that isn’t possible. So, we respect each other’s rights to our indulgences. That doesn’t mean there is no tension or no problems. Although I have her “blessing” to explore being feminine, she doesn’t want to see it in front of her. Going to bed in a bra and panties or walking around in a dress is out of bounds. So there’s still secrecy, despite acknowledgment that things are going on. Recently, she met another of my Domme friends and conversed with her at length. I don’t know for sure if it’s tempering her attitude towards things.
Jess
Jess runs the My Messy Room blog. She has been married for over four years and together for ten. Her husband is vanilla as they come and perfectly content, while she is always itching to try new things.
My Messy Room: https://amessofreviews.wordpress.com/
What kinky things would you do behind your vanilla partner’s back?
I explored my curiosity for how my body reacts to different experiences. I had experienced some light choking with a previous partner, so I knew it turned me on. I have introduced it into my masturbation sessions along with different accessories such as nipple clamps and anal toys. I was mild on the kinky scale, but a world apart from my husband’s perspective.
What happened when (or what did you think would happen if) your vanilla partner found out?
He has found out some of it by way of open conversation and the items being around the house. He was very curious about why the different experiences were appealing to me, which surprised me.
What is your relationship like now and what would you have done differently?
Our communication has improved and we continue to talk more openly than we had before. It has also led to some compromise on both sides. We have some great vanilla sex. We introduce some new things to experiment, and other things I just explore on my own. We continue to evolve. One day, I would like to explore rope bondage with him. I would like it to be in a safe situation that he is comfortable with, even if just attending events as an on-looker to learn more.
Then, there are my answers…
Nicholas Tanek
What kinky things would you do behind your vanilla partner’s back?
I never cheated on my ex-wife, but I did watch a lot of porn that she did not know about and I talked with kinky people on the internet. I wasn’t looking to hook up with people, I was just looking for friendship and a connection in the kink community. I remember many conversations where I begged my wife, “I want to be kinky with you! I want to explore kink!” Looking back, it was really embarrassing. For example, I wanted her to wear a French maid outfit with a garter belt and thigh high stockings for my Christmas present. Instead, I got a huge flat screen television as a gift. The marriage is over but the TV looks great in my new house.
What happened when (or what did you think would happen if) your vanilla partner found out?
My ex-wife found out about the depth of my kinky life after I wrote my book, The Coolest Way to Kill Yourself. I was drunk and I wanted to email my editor a rough draft of the book. I emailed it to Alison by accident. She was not happy. She sent copies to her friends and even my family. It was a big mess. In the book, I wrote about how Lynn and I explored femdom, forced crossdressing, pegging, and male chastity. After an endless amount of angry text messages, Alison texted me, “What is so important about kinky sex?” Obviously, she didn’t get it.
What is your relationship like now and what would you have done differently?
My ex-wife fucking hates me. It’s weird because she is the only one of my exes who I do not have some kind of friendly relationship with. Not only does she hate the fact that I wrote a book with some intimate details of our marriage, she thinks I’m a sexual deviant. What would I have done differently? I would not have married her. I didn’t want to get married. She did. In the beginning, she wanted to explore kink with me. Once we got married, the kink stopped even though I begged her to explore kink more. If I had to change one thing, I would express myself without shame for wanting to explore kink.
So, what have we learned from all this?
You know you have found true love when you don’t have to clear your internet browser history. These days, I am open to almost any kind of kink and I surround myself with people who are open-minded. The freedom of sexual expression is essential to the happiness of my relationships. I refuse to be that guy who is afraid to sexually express himself with someone he is intimate with. My life and my personal relationships are better for it. My point is that even though some relationships do not work out because of differences in sexuality, some become stronger because of honest discussion. If you are one of those secret kinky people who are in a vanilla relationship, there is hope for you. Don’t give up. Be honest and communicate. Sure, there is always the possibility that the relationship will not work out. But, there is that possibility that you may actually live out your fantasies and establish a stronger bond with your partner. It’s worth the gamble.
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