By Nicholas Tanek
Shame and secrecy have plagued some of my vanilla relationships, but those days are over. These days, I am kinky and proud. Still, there was a time in my life where I had all of these fantasies and desires I was afraid to express because of my vanilla partner.
Lynn was the love of my life and she died in 2012. When we were totally honest about our kinks, without shame, our lives changed for the better.
I knew I was not alone, so I asked some of my kinky friends about coming out as a kinky person. I asked them three questions. Here are their answers.
Miné
Miné has been in a D/s relationship for a few years. She brought her Dom into the lifestyle. At the moment, they are educating themselves on the M/s (Master/slave) part of BDSM, but they aren’t rushing because they are both waiting until the time is right. She has known her Dom for five years.
What were some of the kinks you wanted to explore which your vanilla partner (or other people) didn’t know about?
I wanted to explore role play, ice, wax, and exhibitionism.
How did you come out about your kink to your vanilla partner (or others)?
I dropped little hints here and there, just trying to allow him to get curious enough to look it up.
How have your relationships changed?
Well, a lot has happened since then. The deeper we got into it, the brattier I became. I like trying to push him to his full dominant state, but we do have to slowly go into that because I can get easily overwhelmed. Sometimes, I may scare him with my reactions to certain punishments. He has never hurt me but he fears that one day, he will. That makes punishments and trying certain stuff hard for both of us. We have grown, though and understand each other better.
YoungScratch
YoungScratch is a switch who loves power exchange. Actually, he likes all types of BDSM. These days, he has become much more open to expressing himself in kink.
What were some of the kinks you wanted to explore which your vanilla partner (or other people) didn’t know about?
I’ve always been interested in exploring a wide range of kinks such as sadomasochism, bondage, D/s dynamics, tease and denial, and chastity. More recently, I’ve begun practicing knife and fire play as well.
How did you come out about your kink to your vanilla partner (or others)?
My coming out was a process. After I met my play partner, I finally had someone with whom I could talk about kink. Then, I rapidly became more comfortable with that side of myself. A natural result of this was that I felt far more open in regards to kink. If people asked what I’d been up to, I started with hinting jokes about S&M and quickly moved on to talking about munches and parties. At this point, I’m comfortable talking about kink in depth with anyone. I’ve shared pictures of my S&M gear with coworkers. The other day, a kinky friend of mine and I talked about fire and knife play with our boss. We also talked about the merits of using a staple gun as a tool in a scene. At this point, the only people in my life who have no knowledge of my kinky nature are my parents.
How have your relationships changed?
My relationships haven’t changed that much overtly. Perhaps, it is because the circles I run in are generally nonjudgmental. Perhaps, it is because I was always seen as weirdo. I can say that I’ve had more confidence in general, which has helped all my relationships. Also, there have been instances where people who would rather keep their kinkiness more subtle, have come to me to talk about it. This began new relationships. I am incredibly thankful that I am in a situation where I can be openly kinky without needing to fear serious repercussions.
TheLadyAscends
TheLadyAscends is an artist and Pagan love witch. We have become close friends. For years, she has embraced her sexuality in delightfully quirky ways (staged Pagan sacrifices, fake blood orgies, and Femdom).
What were some of the kinks you wanted to explore which your vanilla partner (or other people) didn’t know about?
At first, it was rope and knife play. It became an obsession for me that I just couldn’t let go.
How did you come out about your kink to your vanilla partner (or others)?
I started by orchestrating situations where I would let him catch me watching rope and knife play on Pornhub. I made sure I would get caught looking at rope and knife play porn as often as possible. Then, I used the fact that I was watching porn to start a discussion about what porn I liked.
How have your relationships changed?
At first, he wouldn’t try it, but eventually he succumbed to my spell and enjoyed it.
MushMush
MushMush is a wonderful young woman who likes to explore her kinky sexuality. One thing led to another and impact play became part of her repertoire. She likes giving and receiving pain.
What were some of the kinks you wanted to explore which your vanilla partner (or other people) didn’t know about?
I wanted to be active in my local BDSM community. I wanted to go to munches and parties. I wanted permission to have play partners and to know that I could come home battered and bruised without it leading to the end of our relationship.
How did you come out about your kink to your vanilla partner (or others)?
We went out for supper one night. Midway through a pitcher of sangria and while he was biting into a chicken wing, I mentioned that I wanted to explore my kinky interests even though I understood that he’s super vanilla. I told him I didn’t expect him to try things that he was uncomfortable with, but I wanted to be able to play with others who have similar interests.
He did something that surprised me. With the chicken wing in his mouth, he nodded and casually said, “Yeah, okay.” We talked things out and decided on some boundaries. He set his hard limit easily. He was not comfortable with me having intercourse with anyone other than him.
My friends have been extremely open and understanding from the start. Those who don’t know me very well were shocked because I am a fairly modest woman in my everyday life. Others who know me better laugh as I casually joke about my mom finding my collar and riding crop when she popped in to visit unexpectedly.
How have your relationships changed?
My relationship with my uber-vanilla boyfriend has improved. We’re forced to communicate more often and we are more open about everything, not just kink. It made us discuss things that bother us, desires, and fears. While we still have disagreements or sore spots in our dialogue, it has been helpful overall.
My relationships with my friends have benefitted in a similar way. Having to be so honest and forthright about my feelings with my boyfriend encouraged me to be more upfront with my friends and family as well.
Rachel
Rachel is a switch who is into various kinds of kink. She has been married twice.
What were some of the kinks you wanted to explore which your vanilla partner (or other people) didn’t know about?
I wanted it all: dominance, toys, spanking, control, or lack thereof. I wanted to submit, to give over what I feel is the ultimate trust. I identify as a switch, but could never Domme with a man. My husband had no problem with threesomes and a little spanking, but more than that, it felt forced. I’m dominant in my career. I wanted my husband to control me… at least in the bedroom. He knew before we got together and still pursued me.
How did you come out about your kink to your vanilla partner (or others)?
I’ve been kinky since I was young and I never hid it. My family knows, but only a few close work buddies are aware. I always ask if the other person is kinky early on. Like on a first date, I ask if the person knows about Fetlife. I want to know their exposure level, whether or not they identify as something. I’m a nurse by profession, so I have to have a certain comfort in talking about taboo or uncomfortable things, even if it scares people away.
How have your relationships changed?
After divorce and a hiatus, I went back to what I knew, which was poly-triad. The Dom (husband) and the wife (sub) were amazing. After six months, the wife said poly wasn’t for her. She loved me, but was insecure. She feared that I would try to take her husband, which of course, I would never. I tried to reassure her that I didn’t want him without her. That didn’t work.
Now, I try to connect with people on Fetlife. Almost every man who contacts me wants to do a nude photo shoot or FWB (friends with benefits). Some want me to be a Domme for them. Daily, I get messages from men asking me to peg them. If I had access to a better social setting, like munches, maybe things would be different. But around where I live, there’s no local community I’m aware of.
At this point, I feel doomed to repeat my mistakes. I’m sticking to a FWB/dating only type gig, and hoping to meet kinky people along the way. It’s the best I’ve got.
And now for my answers…
Nicholas Tanek
What were some of the kinks you wanted to explore which your vanilla partner (or other people) didn’t know about?
I was interested in all kinds of kink and fetishes. Early in my relationship with Lynn, I played the Dom role with her. At the same time, I had a need to explore my submissive side. I never really explored femdom, male chastity, pegging, and forced crossdressing. Like many men, I was scared that my lover would be turned off by seeing me in that situation.
How did you come out about your kink to your vanilla partner (or others)?
Both of us were very sexual and openly discussed sex. That was the key. For me, I would talk about kink often and I showed a genuine interest and excitement for it. We both looked at porn every day, and we discussed things we were curious about. She knew that I kept looking at Femdom porn even though I was usually the sexually dominant partner. I went from dropping hints about femdom to actually telling her, “I want to explore femdom.”
One night, she used hospital restraints to tie my wrists to the feet of our couch. I was on the floor and she went to have a cigarette in the bathroom. Then, she came out, put black silk panties on me, and said, “I own you now!” It took about a year of honest kinky conversation before that night ever happened.
How have your relationships changed?
Weeks later, she had me wearing garters and stockings to work under my business suit. Weeks after that, she had my cock locked up in chastity and was pegging me. All this time, we would go back and forth changing who was dominant and who was submissive. I always like to say, “We put the ‘bond’ in bondage.” It’s true. If you can be completely honest with your partner, without shame, the bond almost feels magical. Many couples do not reach that level. Lynn changed my life forever and it was the most honest and beautiful relationship I ever had. After she died, I wrote The Coolest Way to Kill Yourself as a tribute to her.
So what have we learned from this?
Communication and honesty are essential to a healthy relationship, and kink can help bring that out. There was a time in my life that I kept my kinky thoughts secret. Now, I do not force kink on people, but if asked about it, I tell the truth without any kind of shame or embarrassment. Because I wrote a book titled Your Kinky Friends and now that I write for this sex blog, everyone knows. It is actually easier to weed out the judgmental and prejudiced people in my life. Coming out kinky has led not only to creativity, but to strong bonds with wonderful people. Everyone is different, but for me, it was worth it. I’m out. I’m kinky and proud. I refuse to live any other way.
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