By Nicholas Tanek
Kinky people are human and humans make mistakes. There is an etiquette in the kink community, like anywhere else. Although I consider myself a switch, I am very much into Femdom. I have made some truly dumb mistakes approaching Dommes. I have grown quite a bit since then and learned some valuable lessons. Of course, I’m still learning and growing as a kinky person. In general, it’s important to have etiquette when dealing with anyone, even in the kink community.
So, I asked some of my friends in the kink community three questions and I hope their answers may help others.
Floss (from ProudToBeKinky Podcast)
Floss (along with her partner, Bakji) is the host of the wonderful ProudToBeKinky Podcast (Note: Do not use spaces when looking it up on iTunes). She is an active member in the U.K. kink community and is currently exploring Femdom and latex.
What are some of the worst ways that people have approached you in the kink community?
The worst way anyone can ever approach me is with an air of assumption, which happens every day without fail. The assumption that either I am open to their sexual advances, or the assumption that I will be their fetish delivery system. They have very little consideration for the fact I may not be interested and have very little awareness that they are in fact offering me nothing, but just trying to get what they want.
What are some of the mistakes you made when approaching people in the kink community?
The only mistake I feel I ever made in approaching people was approaching people I didn’t really have a good knowledge of. I was doing it via online forums and Fetlife personals, as opposed to going to munches and meeting people with sort of social proof. I learned my lesson quickly though. Things started to get a lot more fun once I found a good group of friends.
What advice would you give to someone who is new to Fetlife and the kink community?
Join the local scene and get to know a variety of people. Don’t rush into any new dynamics. Remember that all Kinksters are multifaceted people, so you should approach them as such. Show that you are interested in getting to know them and not just after them for their kink skills or kink orientation.
main website: http://www.proudtobekinky.com/
ProudToBeKinky on Instagram (proudtobekinky) and Twitter (@proudtobekinky)
To Listen:
ProudToBeKinky on iTunes / acast / Stitcher / Soundcloud
Kevin Allison (from Risk!)
Kevin Allison has become a legend in the kink community, the comedy scene, and the podcast community. Originally, he was a member of MTV’s revolutionary sketch comedy show, The State. Since then, he started the very popular Risk! podcast, which is a show where real people tell true stories they would never usually tell.
What are some of the worst ways that people have approached you in the kink community?
Guys who start a conversation online as if you’ve already indicated you’d like them to dominate you. Instead of, “Hi,” a guy on a kink site might start a conversation like, “Bow down and lick the dirt off my boots you worthless cum-dumpster.” It’s the Daenerys Problem. People don’t bend the knee till you’ve earned their respect.
What are some of the mistakes you made when approaching people in the kink community?
I once agreed to be whipped by a whip master with a bullwhip. That same day, I thought it would be a good idea to drop LSD. When it came time for the session, I just had to cancel. I knew it would be way too much stimulation of different kinds all at once. Some folks can handle a very light amount of weed, booze or poppers mixed with kink play, but it’s best to err on the side of caution.
What advice would you give to someone who is new to Fetlife and the kink community?
Hope for the best, expect the worst, and be willing to try almost anything twice. The first time you’re spanked, it might be mortifying. The second time might be heavenly. The first time you let yourself get your hopes up about some witty seducer on Fetlife might turn out to be a dream come true. The second time might be a nightmare. It’s a long and winding road.
iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/risk/id334724074?mt=2
TheLadyAscends
TheLadyAscends is a very talented artist and pagan love witch who is also a good friend. She has multiple subs and participates in many kinky spiritual rituals.
What are some of the worst ways that people have approached you in the kink community?
The worst is anytime when they start out nice and then get super aggressive. Like, “Hey babe looking for a sub?”
I politely say, “No, thank you.”
Then bam!
They respond, “Well, fuck you bitch. There are hotter girls here.”
What are some of the mistakes you made when approaching people in the kink community?
I made the mistake of approaching people in my Domme persona and was a little too demanding. Also, I had a misunderstanding regarding who was with whom. I have accidentally started stuff with collared slaves. I tend to assume the woman is the Domme, so talking to women first is important.
What advice would you give to someone who is new to Fetlife and the kink community?
New to Fetlife? I would say it is like any dating site and you have to spank a lot of frogs before you find a Slave Charming. Just ignore the gross people who don’t have time to read your preferences because they aren’t really into you. Also, if they want to pay you, remember it does kind of change the dynamic.
MFM-4-me
MFM-4-me is an open-minded bisexual bear that is into MMF and MFM threesomes. He is also into watersports amongst other kinks.
What are some of the worst ways that people have approached you in the kink community?
I once got a random message from a complete stranger who quickly wanted to discuss aggressive sex with me but knew nothing about me. I am single and state such in my profile, but in his message he wrote, amongst other things:
“Based on a couple of the groups you’re a member of, you must be married, so asking you if you would be open to having a roommate would seem out of the question. I would love to move to NJ, near you, so we could get together for some long ball worship sessions that lead to hard sucking of the head of the cock, and bringing each other to orgasm, at least every other day or night. Can we talk about the possibilities of becoming regular cock sucking partners?”
Oddly, I did not reply.
What are some of the mistakes you made when approaching people in the kink community?
My example of my mistake was to not notice the date of a post where some couple posted they were looking for a bi guy. I wrote them saying I was a bi guy interested in getting to know them better only to find out the post was over a year old and no longer applicable.
What advice would you give to someone who is new to Fetlife and the kink community?
Try to find a local munch to meet & greet or chat a little bit online and get to know someone a little bit before diving in with “Holy crap you’re hot. I would love to hog tie you and shit in your mouth! Do you like eating shit? I love shitting on people. Call me!!!!”
Umm YIKES!!!!
Tangled Blue
Tangled Blue is a kitten. She is in a DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) dynamic with her husband of eighteen years. He encourages her to talk to men on the internet to get into trouble for punishments, and he requires her to masturbate ten times a day. She is a good friend with whom I have a close connection. She is funny, weird, absurd, and also very sexy.
What are some of the worst ways that people have approached you in the kink community?
I’ve had Doms approach me by pulling my pigtails before saying hello, growling in my ear that I will serve them in some manner, or grabbing my ass when I walk past them. One particularly bold Dom took me by my collar and dragged me into another room where he began to restrain me with rope while I struggled and yelled. My Daddy luckily intervened and had words with him. Some Doms have a stereotyped image of a sub as a woman who wants to serve all men.
What are some of the mistakes you made when approaching people in the kink community?
I assumed that most Doms and Dommes are jerk asses. I avoided them in public scenes and sought out fellow littles. I then began to take classes and actually talked to people at munches where the dynamic might not always be fully disclosed. I try to be observant. I know some Doms and subs take offense at people communicating with them in certain ways. I would never use certain phrases to address people with whom I am casually acquainted. I am careful with my words around some who I have long term relationships with because I know they would not approve.
When I first opened my account on Fetlife, I would engage in conversations with anyone who contacted me. I had a Dom contact me by saying lots of ridiculous things that he wanted to do to me in one of my photos. I responded politely, but he kept pushing and we ended up chatting for several weeks. I hated every conversation. I didn’t want to keep talking, but I was very concerned with his feelings. He ended up sending me a Google map of my house using information that he pieced together about me. That scared me so badly that I deleted my whole online life.
What advice would you give to someone who is new to Fetlife and the kink community?
Please don’t assume you know someone simply by the way that he or she identifies. Even if I have “Fuck Kitten” written in Sharpie on my forehead, it may not mean that I want you to pet my ears. Each person is unique in the community. Use your basic human manners. Respect boundaries even if you are super pumped to enter this wonderful and wild world. Get to know someone through conversation before pledging your undying love.
Then, there are my answers…
Nicholas Tanek
(drawing by TheLadyAscends)
What are some of the worst ways that people have approached you in the kink community?
The worst ways people have approached me were women who just wanted money. I am not against the concept of paying for Femdom services, but for me, I want and need a personal relationship with a Domme. Then, because I wrote two books that are of a sexual nature (The Coolest Way to Kill Yourself and Your Kinky Friends), women sometimes send me pictures of their pussy or videos of them masturbating in lingerie. Often, they’re people I’ve never even talked to before. Keep them coming, but start a conversation first.
What are some of the mistakes you made when approaching people in the kink community?
Too many! I was a fucking idiot. My first mistake was putting my Femdom kink above the Dommes I approached. Too often, I emailed Dommes saying that I wanted to be their sub without trying to establish a personal connection. Yeah, I was one of those assholes. My second mistake was copypasta. In the beginning, I copied and pasted introductions in my messages. (I cringe at the fact I did this.) Another thing I feel bad for is not paying attention to the rules of groups on Fetlife, Facebook, Kik, or Discord. I’ve gotten kicked out of a couple of groups because I did not realize they had rules against self-promotion. (Did I mention that I wrote two books?) So, if you are in group chats, read the rules.
What advice would you give to someone who is new to Fetlife and the kink community?
Be cool. Be kind and keep an open mind. First off, not every person who is into kink wants to play with you or fuck you. If you meet someone at a munch, ask them about themselves. If you find someone on Fetlife, show respect and read their profile before contacting them. Try to make a connection that is not only about kink. People in the kinky lifestyle are into so much more than just kink.
So what have we learned?
Don’t be a jerk ass. It’s as simple as that. Fundamentally, people are attracted to the truth and kindness. If you are getting into kink, be kind and be honest. Don’t force your kink on anyone. Lie back and observe. I met my Domme by being honest. I told her I was a fuck up. As frustrating as I can be, she accepts me for who I am. (That doesn’t mean she doesn’t bitch about it sometimes.)
Also, take your time. The kink does not come all at once. When my vanilla marriage fell apart, I was reunited with Lynn, an old flame who explored Femdom with me. When Lynn died, I was devastated. The friends I made in the kink community saved me. Treat it as any other social forum. If we approach people in a proper and respectful way in the kink community, the relationships that are created can make not just yours, but many other people’s lives better.
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Your Kinky Friends: https://www.amazon.com/Your-Kinky-Friends-Nicholas-Tanek-ebook/dp/B06XRYCH7N/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1507339445&sr=8-1&keywords=Your+kinky+Friends