Writing Bad Erotica

by Kitt Wolf

A Kitten Dork

The Other Livvy composes a wonderful blog that I follow, and she recently posted a contest called the #EuphOff.  This is a contest where writers are challenged to load their stories with the cliched and overly worked purple prose that so often dots erotica.  The rules state that contestants have to use the words “semi-moist treat stick” and keep it under 500 words.  The contest is open until March 31 and the winners are rewarded with sex toys. POSSIBLE FREE SEX TOYS! There is still plenty of time to write an entry.  I would love to see a whole slew of Our Kinky Friends churn out some really bad erotica!

Check out The Other Livvy’s site:


My entry was inspired by Norse mythology…sort of.  I also drew the ridiculous Valkyrie illustration as icing for my sexy cake.  I hope my dirty little story makes your loins quiver!

The Spoils of War

The Valkyrie, Herja, dragged her latest hero into the light to prepare his body for the trip to Valhalla. He was a young soldier who fought fiercely and died protecting a child from an errant spear.  He deserved the honor of living in the hall of Odin.

Herja began stripping his armor.  A spark between them made her draw away from his body.  She had prepared hundreds of warriors for Valhalla and never felt a fire fill her body from an initial touch.  Her loins twitched in longing and a wet heat slicked her thighs. She sighed, pushed this thought out of her head, and continued her work.  She peeled off his tunic like a theater curtain parting and admired the show of raw masculinity she revealed. Her healing hand ran over his broad chest erasing the battle wounds.  She thought about spreading a picnic blanket over his ripped pectoral muscles and having a light snack amongst the musk scented curls of his manliness.

She brushed his dark hair from his forehead and enjoyed the soft tendrils slipping through her fingers like satin ribbons.  His lips were pale with death but still looked like supple fruits waiting to be picked. She noticed a stain of blood on his upper thigh.  Herja needed his body fully healed before they could make the trip to the afterlife. She eased his pants down and noted the thick sleeping meat-lion that lulled between his thighs.  She touched it lightly, shivered with pleasure, and then erased the puncture wound on his leg. He was ready for the journey.

His eyes were closed in death, and she bent to offer her kiss of life.  Their lips met and his eyes fluttered open. Herja was startled. Electricity crackled between them.  She noticed that his flaccid love muscle twitched as he looked at her heaving lady-mounds sheathed in armor.  Herja kissed him again and the flame of passion consumed them like a tsunami wave. She wanted to make this mortal her own.  Herja snapped her fingers and the two were transported to her room in Valhalla.

Herja stood and removed her armor to reveal her womanly form.  Her porcelain skin shone, and he drank in her resplendent beauty.  She bent to lick a pearl of his emerging seed from the tip of his now turgid skin flute.  Herja couldn’t restrain herself any longer and opened her honey cave to swallow his now semi-moist treat stick.  A thunderous boom rang out from the heavens as she unleashed an unearthly moan. They pushed towards zenith. Herja felt her love button swell against his crotch as she ravaged his lips with kisses.  She envisioned riding pegasus across the sky as orgasm consumed her body. This triggered her partner to unleash a strand of gentleman’s pearls deep in her womb. She collapsed, spent, on top of her lover as he held her in euphoric bliss.  She would keep this fallen soldier. He would be her prize for all eternity.

3 thoughts on “Writing Bad Erotica”

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