I bought my first real sex toy in 1999 from the Good Vibrations catalog. It was a jelly purple thing that had five glorious speeds. It lasted four months. Since then, I’ve expanded my collection of toys to include buzzy, thrusty, spinning things, and simple smooth glass. I’ve had wands and rabbits; bullets and teasers; monsters and minis. They have all had their perks and downfalls. I love looking for new toys.
I saw advertisements for “dual density” toys that promised a lifelike feel, but silicone dildos are my least favorite. They tend to need a ton of lube to get in the groove, make me itchy, and taste weird. Despite my reservations, I was intrigued by the promise of a softer more lifelike toy. I did a spur of the moment shopping trip on Amazon and bought two toys. I picked them for their sizes. I usually opt for a smaller toy because I can wield them in the sheets like She-Ra defending the Crystal Castle. I liked the little toy and would have been happy with just one. However, my Daddy Dom insisted that I buy a larger toy. I always appease my Dom so I also ordered an eight-inch toy.
The above ad was actually featured on quite a few “dual density” toys but the prices were all over the place. I went for the toys that seemed reasonable in price. The repetition of ads should have been a warning sign that the toys might not be as advertised.
When my toys arrived, I gleefully opened the package while sitting on my bed in my kitty jim-jams and knee socks. SEX TOYS! Two slender boxes were nestled inside the large cardboard box, and I quickly tore one open like a piranha stripping cow flesh. The first toy was the big boy.
It felt absolutely splendid in my hand and had a nice heaviness to it. I refrained from sticking it on my forehead because I’ve been down that road before. (DO NOT SUCTION CUP TOYS TO YOUR FOREHEAD unless you want perfect round bruise on your face. It does not matter if you want to be a dick unicorn. It will leave a mark.) I slapped it against my headboard and it stuck on really well. I tugged on it and it didn’t pop off. It did droop a little bit, but it was just like the picture on Amazon. The silicone felt soft and the box promised that it was body safe.
I left the majestic phallus stuck to my headboard and opened the second box. Inside was a shriveled little snake looking thing that had a distinct chemical odor upon unboxing. It was definitely made from a low-grade silicone or some other weird plastic. The tip was a bright red and it reminded me of a cherry on top of a sundae. It was repugnant.
I stuck it next to the beautiful cock, and it looked perky but sad. I thought I was buying two toys that were the same in every way but size. I was wrong. Amazon can be hit or miss with quality when it comes to sex toys. Sometimes a third party seller pops up on there and then disappears before you can make a return.
I was super disappointed, but I still wanted to play. I unsuctioned both toys and washed them well with toy cleaner and put on The Kinks. (They make me frisky.) I tried the big toy in my mouth first. It was fun and was almost too big for me to get my lips around. I added some lube and tried it in another place. It was really tough to actually get in because I’m used to glass toys. I ended up laughing instead of cumming because I did a weird giant voice trying to convince myself to just jam it in my cunt. I tried to back up on it while it was stuck on the headboard and laughed more. Next, I put on high heels and tried it suctioned to the bathtub. I got it all the way in but then lost my traction and fell into the tub. It felt like I expected it to because it was firmly soft, but I couldn’t concentrate with it.
The other toy had so many problems. I dropped it on my furry pillow and it immediately got covered in hair. It smelled bad. It was too shiny and was kind of creepy looking. I made up a backstory for it. I decided that it had oozing cock disease because it belonged to a peach and red swamp monster who wanked to curb the urge to maim villagers but when he was captured, they lopped off his cock as a trophy and then sold it on Amazon. There was no way I was going to put that other toy anywhere near any of my orifices. I ended up dubbing it Choobles. I decided to stick it on the headboard so I could look at it while I used my favorite glass toy. The glass got the job done. It always does.
I looked back at the Amazon site to see if I just saw the picture wrong when I ordered the small toy, but the listing for Choobles was deleted. It had disappeared into the murky wonder of the internet with my money. I could use a condom with that toy, but it’s so unappealing that I keep it hidden in a bottom drawer. I accidentally laid the toy on top of a rubber strap and it totally discolored on one side. I’m very glad that I wasn’t tempted to put that in my girly bits.
The lesson learned from this is to really read the listing on Amazon. I was able to see that that little toy was labeled as “Dual Silicone” instead of “Dual Density.” This discrepancy should have been a warning to me, but I was so stoked about buying a toy that I didn’t look closely. Be savvy shoppers, Kinky Friends! Don’t get stuck with a Choobles.
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