When it comes to sexuality, people often overlook the sexiest of sex organs: the brain. Sexy, after all, is a state of mind. It doesn’t matter your dress size, your blemishes, your physical limitations, your lingerie or lack thereof – it’s all in the presentation. It’s an attitude. It’s a voice. You can use your imagination and your words to paint a scene, to transport your partner to a place they’ve never been before.
I started this article a while ago and forgot about it. Things get busy – we have jobs, friends and loved ones that need us. Life happens. Not only is it important to make time for sex, we need to spend time exploring our sexuality and growing as healthy, sexual beings. Learning to talk dirty changed my life, and I am not exaggerating. It gave me confidence in and out of the bedroom, and it’s FREE. No matter who you are, no matter your situation, anyone can do it.
Recently, I started reviewing Nicholas’s interviews to compile the great BDSM-on-a-budget ideas that people have suggested, and Sera Miles’s suggestion to work on talking inspired me to finish this article.
You can see her entire interview here:
Sera, the CEO and owner of peplove.com, made some excellent points. “If I get real close in your ear and I start to tell you a story, that’s really hot. You can talk about things that you either don’t have the money to do, the resources to do, or want to physically do, but that are hot to think about.” When I conceived the idea of a “sex talk” article, these points were exactly what I had in mind, and I could not have said it better myself.
For years, the extent of talking dirty, for me, were phrases like “Fuck me” and “Harder.” In my last long-term relationship, sex was vanilla, and it was alright, but it wasn’t happening often. I was not satisfied, and it took years to work up the courage to have a conversation about our sex life. I was embarrassed to tell him that I wasn’t getting what I needed. It was difficult for me to ask for more “foreplay,” and these days, I hate that word. Foreplay. It’s so diminutive. What constitutes foreplay? Something like oral sex? That’s sex! It’s all sex. Sex is not just intercourse. Everything that leads up to intercourse is just as important, if not more so. The “everything” in that sentence doesn’t even need to lead to intercourse. I’ve had plenty of sexual encounters that did not involve fucking. The tease – the build-up – that’s what makes sex go from alright to fucking awesome.
Sex is an important part of life and an important part of human relationships. Talking about sex is important. And talking during sex is hot. But how do you get good at it if you can’t say cock without giggling?
I had the pleasure of speaking with Sera Miles to find out what advice she can offer someone who is interested in learning to talk dirty.
“Accept that you’re going to feel weird. New things feel weird. Accept and flow,” she said. This truly is the first step. In my own kinky journey, the first thing that I learned was to not be afraid to say or do something awkward. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Learn to laugh at yourself. Learn to push through. Most importantly, realize that just because you feel awkward, does not mean you come across that way.
For example, the first time I used rope to bind our dear Nicholas, I messed up several times. When our play was done, he said, “I loved hearing the rope whipping against itself when you tied me up. You’ve really never done that before? Because you seemed to know exactly what you were doing.” Much of the “sound of the rope whipping against itself” was me undoing an error so I could rewrap the wrist or leg correctly! Simply allowing himself to be bound and listening to my voice put him in the place we both wanted him to be.
Sera said that she always suggests that new Peplove employees read Bonnie Gabriel’s book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite, and Enchant Your Lover with Words. The chapters which people seem to find most helpful discuss words to use and how to use your voice.
Another book she would recommend to anyone is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. An important point she took away from this book is to figure out how to speak in a way that the other person is listening and wants to hear what you have to say.
To that end, Sera stressed the importance of focusing your dirty talk on the other person. “Not just, ‘me, me, me, me.’ Use their name a lot, or their pet name.” She quoted Dale Carnegie: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Another suggestion was checking out Cameryn Moore’s one-act play about phone sex, called Phone Whore. Sera said that Cameryn even gives classes on talking dirty. I found Cameryn here on Facebook if you’d like more information.
Having phone sex was what gave me confidence in the bedroom. My marriage did not work out, and I was a single mom trying to find myself again. It was not motherhood which made me lose my mojo, it was that crummy relationship. I started reading – and then writing – erotica online. I made friends in the online community and started having cybersex (is there a better word for this now? I feel like I’ve dated myself here). With my sex drive re-sparked, I was insatiable. I was embracing fetishes long-suppressed and becoming comfortable role-playing and talking dirty online. Phone sex was the logical next step.
At first, I felt incredibly self-conscious, until I realized how much the person on the other end of the phone was turned on. And the best part was, these were not people I knew in real life, so it did not matter if things were awkward and did not work out. I never had to talk to them again if I chose not to.
I asked Nicholas for his thoughts. “Know your partner,” he said. “Know what they like. Learn their rhythm. Don’t be afraid to say some shit, you know? There are times where you laugh because you can’t control yourself and that’s part of the humiliation/femdom stuff. Know your partner and use rhythm. Don’t be afraid to be repetitive, especially if the person is responding in a positive way. Repetition can be a great thing.”
So, don’t panic if you feel like you’ve run out of things to say. Don’t be afraid to say that phrase again that drives your partner wild. Repetition can be hypnotic and arousing.
If you’re in a relationship which doesn’t grant you the luxury of testing the phone sex waters with strangers, then something that may help is watching porn, alone and with your partner. This serves a dual purpose: find out what you and your partner enjoy, and learn to emulate it. Like Nicholas said, it is important to know what they like. If you feel weird telling your partner you want to watch porn with them, don’t. I don’t think there are many people in this wide, wide web world who have not watched porn at some point. Once you work up the courage to talk about sex outside of the bedroom, it will get easier to incorporate talking into your sex life. You don’t have to come out of the gate with an elaborate, scripted scene. Start small and work your way up to involving more and more talking in the bedroom.
My sweet kittygirl (a.k.a. Tangled Blue) and I discussed trigger words recently. What often puts my submissive over the edge is being told, “I own you.” Of course, he would never want to be told that in any other situation, but when it comes to getting his dick hard, that always does it. I use that phrase often when we play and prompt him to tell me “who owns him.”
Kitten said, “Sexy talk always gets repetitive, which I find hilarious. For some people, I guess it works. Like just saying the word, “fuck, fuck, FUCK,” over and over again. I think everybody likes a little something different. We kind of talked about this before. About trigger words. I’m doing two things at once. It’s fine.”
I could tell by the pauses and sighs in her voice messages that she was definitely doing… something… while answering my question. “When worshipping cock, I do like to talk about the cock like it’s its own thing. Like, ‘Oh my gosh, you got so hard for me. I’ve been waiting to taste this all day!’ [Laughter and a sigh.] Yes. Doing two things at once.”
You could describe what you are going to do to someone, or you can tell them exactly what you want them to do to you. Start talking and see where it takes you. In your alone time, think about different scenarios that you and your partner find arousing. When you’re commuting to work, alone in your car, talk out the details. This will help you become comfortable with saying all the things you’ve only thought before and make it much easier to slip into sexy storytime the next time you play. Have FUN with it.
You better put the food in the tree before the bears get it.