BDSM Rules I Don’t Follow by Master Bear

IMPORTANT: Your Kinky Friends and Master Bear suggest that if you plan on breaking the BDSM rules, make sure the “breaking the rules” is discussed beforehand and is consensual.

BDSM has a lot of rules. Rules are a great way of understanding how to make your way through a complicated and new environment.

For example:

Don’t touch another person’s collar.
Don’t interrupt a scene or aftercare.
Negotiate responsibly and completely.
Don’t renegotiate a scene once play has started.

I am a pro rules person, having seen what happens when a group gets together without them.

However, over the last few years, I see where I am growing outside the rules. This means a couple of things. It means that I can only responsibly play with experienced players where there is a mutual connection. It means that I am upfront about the style of play that I do. More importantly, it means that I am still accountable for the end product.

The two specific rules that I don’t do are “a complete negotiation before play, and don’t renegotiate play once the play has started”.

My negotiations are simple:

Do you want to play?

What type of play are you interested in?

Is there anything that I need to know?

My explanation of how I play is also simple.

I am what I am, an organic player.

I am spontaneous and will (if I feel that I want to) do something not discussed, new, or completely different.

I tend to move right into it after doing a quick check-in for yes or no.

In this video, Vanna and I had negotiated a needle scene ONLY.

In other words, I called up Vanna and said, “Want to do needles?”

She replied, “Sure!”

In the middle of doing needles, I had this thought: Will electric carry onto the needle under the skin?

I said “Vanna I want to try something.”

Vanna said “sure!”

I asked our local electric expert to use some of his equipment and Vanna and I went right into using needles and electric.

The end result was a new way of play that was amazing and exciting for both of us. There was growth, learning, and a new sense of trust.

I know that what I am saying here flies in the face of the BDSM mantra of negotiation.

However, I think this is extremely important. Instead of us all nodding our heads and saying “I always follow the rules, and I follow them better than anybody else,” we would learn more from each other if we openly said “These are the rules that I find don’t work for me, and this is how I work around them.” Or, we can say, “This is what I learned from not following rules and this is what I risk when I do that”.

It takes away the pedestal and puts us on more even and approachable terms.

I have attended presentations where the speaker talked about their 8 safe calls (I’m not kidding), and the absolutely foolproof way that they set up their first play dates.

I always raise my hand and say, “When my love and I first met, I went to her apartment and picked her up. We didn’t know each other’s last names, No one knew where she went, how long she would be gone, or even a general description of who she went with.”

I find that most people’s experience is somewhere in between. Admittedly, sometimes the end product can sometimes not be based on consent.

However, we don’t open up the conversation of how we are really meeting, playing, negotiating, and following through if we pretend to be untouchably perfect.