Our Kinky Friends Talk About Being Healed by BDSM
Throughout the years, I have known many vanilla people who got involved in kink and now, they feel like kink saved their lives. Not everyone can wrap their head around kinky sexual expression. Some people cannot even understand the concept of being tied up. Once they break their borders, a sense of healing starts. I am a recovering drug addict. I’m not going back to drugs and kink is a major reason for that. While I do have this addictive behavior, it was love, kink, and sexual expression that helped me get through drug addiction and emotional loss after the death of the love of my life.
So, I asked some of our kinky friends some questions about how being kinky healed them. Here are their answers.
Sassywitch666
Sassywitch666 is a wife in a D/s (Dominant / submissive) relationship with her husband. Although they have been married twenty years, they only got into kink several years ago.
What were some problems/issues that you had in your life and how did kink help them?
It helped in two ways for me. First, I have a Neurofibromatosis type 1 (NF1). It causes tumors to grow on my nerves and causes a great deal of pain many times. Kink gave me the ability to finally control pain for once, instead of pain controlling me. I get to decide what kind of pain and I get to decide when it stops.
Second, it also helped heal my marriage. My husband and I had difficulties due to our health problems. He had prostate cancer and had to have his prostate removed. It affected our sex life. Kink taught us new ways to connect and it also helped us to learn to communicate better. We were both able to say what we needed from one another.
What advice would you give to someone with similar problems/issues who wants to explore kink?
Take your time and learn as much as you can. Look for people who have been in the lifestyle for a long time. Ask them if they are willing to answer any questions you may need answered. Don’t try anything without making sure you’re being safe and have taken precautions. Don’t assume just because someone says they’re a professional or that they’re in the lifestyle that they know everything. No one does. If something doesn’t feel right or you don’t feel comfortable or safe, don’t do it. You do not have to do something just because others like it or that’s how they do it. Kink isn’t a “one size fits all” thing. Always remember that consent is necessary. You can’t make anyone do what they don’t want to. No one has a right to force you to do what you don’t want to do.
YoungScratch
YoungScratch is a switch who loves power exchange. He likes all types of BDSM. These days, he has become much more open to expressing himself in kink.
What were some problems/issues that you had in your life and how did kink help them?
Kink jump-started my life in a lot of ways. For so long, I’d been on a predictable course without many ups or downs. I suppose I felt content at the time, but in retrospect, a lot of my life felt hollow. I’ve been privately kinky for as long as I can remember, but when I became publicly kinky, I felt like I was awake for the first time in a long time. From the first stroke of the whip, my eyes were open. With each new kinky activity, I am reinvigorated. BDSM shook up every aspect of my life. I feel more happy and alive than I ever did before. It hasn’t been all good times, but I’ve gained so much. Not only that, but in accepting myself and allowing myself to explore this space, I’ve found myself bolder, more successful, and I’ve found new friends. Kink saved me from a life half lived.
What advice would you give to someone with similar problems/issues who wants to explore kink?
Dive right in. In a lot of ways, the system shock was the most important part. I went to my first munch and went to a play party about a week later. For me, it felt like a wave washing over me as soon as I started. It may take longer to find what fills you with a lust for existence, but I guarantee it is worth it.
TheLadyAscends
TheLadyAscends is a very talented artist and pagan love witch who is a good friend of mine. She has multiple subs and participates in many kinky spiritual rituals like fake blood orgies and human sacrifices.
What were some problems/issues that you had in your life and how did kink help them?
I went into therapy for my PTSD. I found that having my partner restrained allowed me to feel safe and free to play. I don’t have to trust anyone if they are tied up. I can use the man as a total sex toy. Slowly, through those great experiences, I regained my ability to let loose and be a sex goddess.
What advice would you give to someone with similar problems/issues who wants to explore kink?
Kink, though it seems dark and destructive, is incredible healing. I have friends that cope with control of chronic pain through masochism. You can work out all kinds of issues like control, trust, self- esteem.
PrincessRedBottm
PrincessRedBottm discovered her sexual interest in kink after her divorce. She discovered an interest in sensation and impact play and enjoys attending dungeons to show off her exhibitionist tendencies.
What were some problems/issues that you had in your life and how did kink help them?
Being kinky is a recent life change for me. Coming out of a marriage to an emotionally and sexually abusive narcissist, I was apprehensive about engaging with people who considered themselves to be Dominant. What I found instead is that a healthy BDSM relationship relies on trust, communication, and a willing give-and-take of power. Certain body parts had been off-limits before, due to emotional connections of abuse, but my kink partners restored my faith and trust in sexual partners. I am now ENJOYING sexual sensations that were once traumatic. I enjoy degradation because it’s now under MY control and my partner does it for BOTH of us, not as a one-sided attack. As I free myself to experience kink, I am met with support from kinky friends as well as my partners, fueling my courage and heightening my experiences. Impact play (struck for sexual pleasure) produces natural endorphins that are similar to a runner’s high. These neurochemicals override the pain, exhaustion, and aches that I have felt daily for years now. Kink has changed my life dramatically in the last two years. I am happier and healthier. I create healthy relationships and true friendships.
What advice would you give to someone with similar problems/issues who wants to explore kink?
I would recommend taking your time. Safety needs to be your priority. Please don’t rush yourself. If your kink partner tries to rush you, you should walk away and don’t look back. Kink is most definitely not a “one size fits all” venture. Kink is constantly evolving. There are no true answers, no right way to be or respond. Always be true to yourself and the right people and kinks will come to you. Be open-minded as others are of you. When you’re ready, try it.
Dr. J.
Dr. J. arrived at her writing career after being a condom packer, sex educator, sex therapist, and finally a college professor of human sexuality. Using her vast knowledge and experience of sexuality and the mind, she continues her education efforts to integrate positive sexuality into the human experience through her stories. She writes within the Romance and Erotica genres.
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What were some problems/issues that you had in your life and how did kink help them?
A personal exploration of one’s sexual expression is a life-affirming event. As a therapist and sex educator, I have seen this over and over. When an individual investigates and then determines that a particular way of “doing sex” works for them, it is liberating. While embarking on such an investigation, a person may determine that kink (however they define it) fits for them. For some, this may elicit a feeling of “I’m home.” For others, it may be the first time they have found a way to ask for what they want and gotten it. For folks who come to enjoy and share their brand of kink/BDSM, the act of discussing the who, what, when, and where can ground them so they can become fully expressed sexual individuals. Working to set personal boundaries is an impressive thing. The clarity of personhood that comes from asking for something specific and then getting it is enormous.
What advice would you give to someone with similar problems/issues who wants to explore kink?
In the US, our family and school sex education teaching separates us from our sexuality. What we have been taught, overtly or covertly, is the equivalent of keeping our sexuality on a shelf. We take it down when we need it, but it is relegated to use through a societal lens of morals and values we have never had a chance to determine for ourselves.
I support a more holistic model of sexuality that is pleasure based and acknowledges that sexuality is an integral part of who we are. Embracing our sexuality in everyday life is the key. This is far beyond specifics of any sex act. It is essential to surround ourselves with sex-positive people, those who embrace the ideals of sexual diversity. Using bibliotherapy, whether reading factual and accurate non-fiction sex-positive content or fiction that invites your mind and body to soar, will help you find yourself and your place. Writing about your sexual journey provides one with insight and time for reflection. Joining groups that support your interest in sexuality is helpful. Today more than ever, these places are available and are needed. Seek them out.
And now for my answers…
Nicholas Tanek
What were some problems/issues that you had in your life and how did kink help them?
I was in a loveless marriage, struggling with money, and creatively drained. I was also struggling with drugs. I begged my ex-wife to be kinky. After the marriage failed, I felt free to explore my kink. Lynn was an ex-girlfriend from high school. She had addiction problems too. She had ovarian cancer and became addicted to Oxycontin. We reconnected and began exploring kink. She became my Goddess and we got interested in forced crossdressing, male chastity, and pegging. Sometimes, I would become her Dom. We were switches. The point is that we were completely honest about everything. Suddenly, the world seemed different. We felt enlightened. I looked at things in a different way. At my boring corporate job, I began to work harder. She started to get her pill addiction under control. Our relationships with our family members became closer and more honest. Once we opened ourselves up to kink, we felt hope in our lives for the first time in a very long time.
Lynn passed away in 2012. I dove head first into the kink community to try to find a sense of healing. I found it. I was so depressed and felt lost. I can honestly say that being kinky and being part of the kink community saved my life. My kinky friends were a solace to me and helped me find a kind of peace. I wrote a whole book about it called Your Kinky Friends. Eventually, my kinky friends and I started this website and group chat.
What advice would you give to someone with similar problems/issues who wants to explore kink?
Be cool. Be kind and keep an open mind. Be careful too. Go to munches and join Fetlife.com. The main advice I can give is to be honest and a decent human being. Explore and have fun. It’s worth it.
So, what have we learned from all of this?
Being kinky can heal people. Sure, some people choose religion. Some turn to medication. Some people choose exercise. Others try conventional therapy. An honest kinky relationship saved me. We are all dealing with issues. Sometimes, it’s addiction. It may be depression or low self-esteem. For others, it’s physical ailments. Some people are seeking ways to heal from sexual abuse. My friends, you are not alone. Different people seek help in different ways. All I know is that exploring kink has benefited my life and led me to meet some wonderful people. So, let’s explore together and let’s try to heal each other.
Join the Your Kinky Friends chat on Discord: https://discord.gg/uUwzVVa
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Your Kinky Friends: https://www.amazon.com/Your-Kinky-Friends-Nicholas-Tanek-ebook/dp/B06XRYCH7N/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1507339445&sr=8-1&keywords=Your+kinky+Friends
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