By Nicholas Tanek
Femdom
- Or: femdomme / domme / female dom / female dominant, a woman who enjoys the dominating role in BDSM scenes.
- A BDSM scene controlled by a woman.
A Femdom relationship is not always the easiest thing to start. In the kink community, the number of men who enjoy Femdom outnumber the women who participate in it. It can be a lonely world out there for a man who is interested in Femdom, male chastity, cuckolding, and forced crossdressing.
I wanted to write this article to help both men and women who are interested in getting into Femdom relationships (professional or personal). So I asked a bunch of my kinky friends three questions. Here are their answers.
AliceInBondageLand
AliceInBondageLand is a lifestyle Femdom. She makes and edits all of her own porn. She has 15 years of real life BDSM experience. She is trying to put the fun back into Femdom. Some of her interests include male chastity, pegging, latex, and crossdressing.
http://www.AliceInBondageLand.com
http://niteflirt.com/profile/GoAskAlice
http://twitter.com/BondageLand
Fetlife: GoAskAlice
For someone who is interested in Femdom but knows no one, what should they do?
Get involved in the real life BDSM community through munches and classes. Online is sound and fury. It signifies nothing. Real life is where the real magic happens. It is easy to forget the person who shows up a single time and doesn’t interact with anyone. It might take two or three visits to the same reoccurring event before you start to connect. Keep in mind that they’ve probably seen hundreds of men show up ONCE and never came back. Volunteering to help is also a great way to meet people. We remember the useful, friendly, and well-groomed polite folks.
I also encourage you to hire professionals. Some of the greatest kink experiences of my life have included paying professionals. They have all the gear. They have all the skills if there are complicated fantasy scenarios that you would like to live out in real life.
What are some of the major mistakes people make in trying to start a Femdom relationship (professionally or personally)?
The biggest mistake men make is in making it all about them (or their dick). What can you do to please HER? What does SHE want? Don’t email us a list of “Do this to me,” “Wear this,” “Say this,” etc. We know what we are doing and we know what we like. Most of us are NOT interested in hookups, so be ready to cultivate a long term relationship before BDSM, just like how you would date someone before vanilla sex.
If you are not available for a relationship, then professional Dommes are your best bet. Do not try to haggle. Be appreciative. SHOWER before your session and know that tipping puts you to the top of their lists.
Once a relationship is established, what is some advice you can give for two people who are just starting out?
There is no “one right way” to have a Femdom relationship. What works for YOU and your MISTRESS is much more important than what other people think. Communication is complicated when you add the D/s dynamic into the mix, but that makes it all the more important. It has to work for EVERYONE involved!
TheLadyAscends
TheLadyAscends is a professional artist and Pagan love witch who is also a good friend of mine. For years, she has embraced her sexuality in delightfully quirky ways. She has multiple submissive slaves. She also has staged Pagan sacrifices and fake blood orgies.
For someone who is interested in Femdom but knows no one, what should they do?
I think researching the community and finding a Domme/Dom willing to mentor you is really the best. I learned the hard way, which was just researching what I liked in porn and doing those things. Also, I was adopted by some lovely drag queens who taught me how to embrace my inner bitch Goddess.
What are some of the major mistakes people make in trying to start a Femdom relationship (professionally or personally)?
I think a huge mistake people make is forgetting about the time commitment. We all have a need for attention so you have to make sure you have time to give your subs individual attention. Subs aren’t toys and it isn’t all about sex.
Once a relationship is established, what is some advice you can give for two people who are just starting out?
Learn to be in the moment with each other. You need to leave the outside world behind when you play. Focus on just enjoying each other.
Young Scratch
YoungScratch is a switch who loves power exchange. Actually, he likes all types of BDSM. These days, he has become much more open to expressing himself in kink. He has been experimenting with Femdom and chastity with our kinky friend, MushMush.
For someone who is interested in Femdom but knows no one, what should they do?
Going to a munch or kink event to meet people is always a good idea, regardless of fetish. If you have a vanilla partner, you should honestly talk about your desires with them. You may be surprised by how they respond. If you’re just looking to get your rocks off, there are many options for “Femdom instruction” type material online. Femdom instructions really helped me scratch my itch when Femdom was unavailable to me.
What are some of the major mistakes people make in trying to start a Femdom relationship (professionally or personally)?
Bottoms may try to push their prospective Domme to fit what they want. Your vanilla partner may be interested in Femdom, but if they’re not, there is not much that can be done. Even if they do want to be dominant, they may not be the kind of Domme you imagine. Try to find someone who fits you instead.
Also, these relationships are as varied as the people who make them up. There is a very specific image of what Femdom looks like to the outside world. Don’t get caught up in that. Femdom can be gentle or brutal, humiliating or empowering. There could be foot licking or ball kicking. Sometimes, one relationship can be all of these. Go with the flow and let this wonderful new world envelope you.
Once a relationship is established, what is some advice you can give for two people who are just starting out?
Communicate! This is so important for so much of kink. Find out how you best communicate too. For example, I’ve found that with my Domme, it’s best to explore ideas in person. I like it because it is very fluid and we can bounce off each other. Discussion of finer details is best done over text because we speak in a more concrete way. Then, during a scene, we can read each other to the point that we barely have to talk at all. Find out what works for you in different situations.
Go slow. This is true of all kink relationships but I think Femdom especially. In our culture, there is a lot of pressure for masculine people to be in charge. Even if one really wants to submit, it can be hard to get past those mental barriers. Take your time and sink into the role at a comfortable pace. You’ll be the little sub you always wanted to be before you know it.
MushMush
MushMush is a wonderful young woman who likes to explore her kinky sexuality. One thing led to another and impact play became part of her repertoire. She likes giving and receiving pain. She also likes being the keyholder to YoungScratch’s chastity device.
For someone who is interested in Femdom but knows no one, what should they do?
Fetlife.com is a good resource for meeting people and generally being exposed to all kinds of kinky goodness. It can also point you to munches and events in your area, so you can get to know your community. It may not lead to a play partner right away, but it’s a good first step to take.
What are some of the major mistakes people make in trying to start a Femdom relationship (professionally or personally)?
Rushing into things is a major mistake. Confidence is sexy, but trust is something that is earned. If you don’t know what you’re doing, that’s okay. Try not to go hardcore until you have some experience. Safety first! Don’t jump into things without doing some research and knowing what you’re getting into. Negotiate your situation with your partner and talk everything out. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it will help to prevent some issues in the future.
Once a relationship is established, what is some advice you can give for two people who are just starting out?
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Power through the awkward feelings and talk it out. Talk about what you want, what you don’t want, and what you might want to explore. If you can’t bring yourself to verbally say the words, email each other! There’s less pressure and it might be more comfortable to type, “I want you to fuck me with a strap-on while I’m locked in a chastity cage,” than to say it out loud to your partner.
Finally, don’t stress. It’s supposed to be fun. Let yourself make mistakes but make sure you learn from them.
Alex Chapmon of A.C. Femdom
Alex Chapmon is the owner of A.C. FemDom, which stands for Alex Chapmon FemDom. He has been creating Femdom artwork for over 20 years. He decided to launch an all-free Femdom comic company which is only available for viewing on fetlife.com.
Fetlife: ACFemdom: https://fetlife.com/users/136521
Twitter: https://twitter.com/alexchapmon
For someone who is interested in Femdom but knows no one, what should they do?
Anyone interested in Femdom has probably been in this position before. I think it’s best to do some reading. The internet has tons of reading material for newcomers.
What are some of the major mistakes people make in trying to start a Femdom relationship (professionally or personally)?
First let me just say that I believe men and women are created equally. If one is dominant over the other, it will have nothing to do with sexual orientation. I think the biggest mistake is not recognizing who you are. Are you really a slave, submissive, or are you a fetishist? I believe most men are probably fetishists who, for some reason or another, get turned on by female dominance. As a society, we may never understand why this is, but this is probably only temporary.
Once a relationship is established, what is some advice you can give for two people who are just starting out?
Both parties should know exactly what they want and discuss it beforehand. Naturally, many males may be thinking with the wrong head. Respect is the key, whether it’s some type of lifestyle thing or the relationship between the Pro Domme and client. You must have a mutual respect and understanding.
Miss_exciter
Miss_exciter is the Domme of her submissive sissy, StephanieHighs. She never was into the lifestyle until her relationship evolved into a Femdom one. Her boyfriend is a crossdresser who she sometimes keeps in chastity.
For someone who is interested in Femdom but knows no one, what should they do?
I do not know any other people into Femdom. I’m also not what I would consider a true person of Femdom. I’m assuming going to a munch is probably the best way, but I have not yet been to any.
I met my partner on OKcupid.com. I had no idea he was crossdresser. Neither of us knew what the other was sexually into before meeting or even before the first time we had sex. We ended up syncing pretty perfectly with our fetishes and ideas regarding what type of relationship we wanted. There are still things I am into that he isn’t and things he is into that I’m not. But we have both learned a lot about ourselves from being together. We have now been together for a little over a year and continue to be in a happy ethically non-monogamous relationship.
What are some of the major mistakes people make in trying to start Femdom relationship (professionally or personally)?
I don’t know what mistakes people make as I have never been in a relationship like this before. I don’t know anyone in a relationship like this, at least not in person. All of it is just stuff I read on the internet. For us, our relationship came pretty much completely naturally. We just fit together. My past relationships were pretty vanilla.
Once a relationship is established, what is some advice you can give for two people who are just starting out?
The only advice that I can give, which I would give to anyone in any relationship, is just to be honest with yourself about what you need. What you want is to figure out what your desires are and share them with your partner. Ask your partner questions. Ask them what they want, what they need, and what they desire. Listen to them. Respect them. Respect their desires and their boundaries and make sure that they respect yours. I don’t think it matters what kind of relationship you are in, whether it’s Femdom or vanilla monogamous. I think relationships fail because people aren’t open and honest with each other.
And now for my answers…
Nicholas Tanek
For someone who is interested in Femdom but knows no one, what should they do?
Be patient. Be kind. Don’t force your kink on anyone. If you are a woman getting into Femdom, you will be inundated with messages if you post a Femdom profile on Fetlife. Many will be fakes. Some will be creeps. But there are good ones out there. If you are a man who is looking for a Domme, please be respectful, honest, and personable. I would suggest that you find something that is not sexual in their profile that you can connect with. Do NOT just copy and paste introduction messages. Make each message unique and specific to that Domme. Remember, you want to serve them. It’s about you pleasing them. This is not about you. So, go to munches (http://findamunch.com) and listen to some kink podcasts. ProudToBeKinky And Black People Kink are excellent. Most importantly, go into it with a good heart and don’t make it all about sex. Femdom goes deeper than just sex.
For me, communication was the key. Lynn was my Goddess who passed away five years ago. We loved sex and were very interested in all kinds of kink. We discussed Femdom porn often. One night, something clicked in the relationship. She started sexually dominating me. Even though we also switched, we ended up experimenting with male chastity, forced crossdressing, and pegging. My life has never been the same since.
What are some of the major mistakes people make in trying to start a Femdom relationship (professionally or personally)?
One of the major mistakes in trying to get into Femdom is men forcing their kink on women. Many men just send messages to women they do not know like, “Can you fuck me with a strap-on and call me a sissy slut cocksucking whore who is a piece of shit?” If you do this, you will be ignored and/or blocked. As for the Dommes, some are automatically dismissive. Sometimes, it is cool to lay back in the cut and let things play out. Also, using huge strap-on dildos without using little ones first can be harmful to your sissy butthole.
Once a relationship is established, what is some advice you can give for two people who are just starting out?
Communication is the key. Even though I am a switch, I love Femdom. I am willing to let my Domme put me in chastity and make me wear women’s clothes. I do have hard limits though. After Lynn died, I met a woman into Femdom. She wanted me to be her human toilet and eventually castrate me. That’s where I tapped out. I do not want women to literally shit on me. My point is that you have to communicate and set hard limits. In the kink world, giving up control means that there is an agreement. There is a bond in bondage. Set boundaries from the beginning. Have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it.
So what have we learned from this?
In the kink community, Femdom is this beautiful and kinky balance beam we walk. There are so many things that could go wrong, but when you get it right, it’s worth it. So, what we know is that the men who are into Femdom outnumber the women. As men, it’s our job (as lovers of Femdom) to please and serve. Our pleasure should come from their pleasure. Men, it’s not all about your orgasm. As for the women, if you are starting an online Femdom presence, expect men to message you, asking to serve you. That’s just the reality of the situation.
We should establish a sense of etiquette in the kink community where we proactively educate sissies, subs, Dommes, and professional Dommes. We should share articles, podcasts, and other forms of Femdom to the ones we know are interested. Let’s teach each other! It’s lonely out there for many submissive men who are into Femdom. They have no idea what to do or how to approach a Domme. The kink community can be cruel but it can also be very kind. I believe in that kindness. The bottom line is that in Femdom, there are women who get pleasure from submissive men. Although women into Femdom are out there, the ones who do not want money are hard to find. Also, keep in mind that paying for it is not only easy, but it does empower the Dominatrix while teaching you. My solution is communication. Go to munches. Make friends with people in the kink community. Be social and exchange ideas. The beauty of Femdom is weird, fun, and definitely interesting. Trust me. If you are interested in Femdom, do it right. It will change your life for the better.
And as always, remember the motto:
Be cool. Be kind and keep an open mind.
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